In about 2.5 seconds I will have to get up and get my toddler off of the dining room chair she just climbed into. As often as I teach her how to get out, she still gets scared and hollers, "stuck! stuck!" until I come save her. Aaaaand there she goes.
She is now standing at our prayer corner (* area in Orthodox homes, usually facing East, where we pray) and doing her version of the sign of the cross and doing a metanoia. Humbling, to say the least.
Enough about my kid. For now.
Stuck!
They tell you all the time that balance is important. We follow a line of parenting coined by Dr. Bob Sears as Attachment Parenting (like the weirdos on that movie _Away We Go_, but not quite as weird). I don't know that I would say I regret... Stuck!... following AP with F, but I know I'll do things differently with the next kid. Especially with sleep. Anyway, it's an incredibly time-consuming and touchy way of parenting. It includes baby wearing, nursing, and co-sleeping. In general, it means that you respond to your child's needs instead of trying to make them into mini-adults that can rationalize why you're ignoring their cries. Stuck! It has been really important to me to be home with my kid/s until they go to elementary school. So, that's the plan.
My concerns are that I'll forget things about printing. I'll forget how to make my favorite papers. I'm losing contact with other artists. We want to have a second baby close to F, and when that happens, I'm already embarrassed about announcing it. Babies just don't happen in my old circle. Even among the marrieds. It's true- if you want to take off in your career, even your low-paying artist career- a baby will probably ruin your chances for a while. BUT, it's temporary. My mantra has become, "This too shall pass, and I'll probably miss it when it's gone." Stuck! There's this thing that happens when you have a kid-- you lose like 90% of your friends. It's just hard for people without kids to accept the complications that go with being friends with people with kids. Fair enough, I guess.
I have to get F ready- we're going mall walking with a friend. No joke. I'm a suburban mom. I'll resume this during nap time. Back from mall walking. F is napping ON TOP OF ME because she hates to sleep. She hates it. I imagine her working night shift someplace as an adult, or getting all of her inspiration from the stars. I said I was going to quit talking about her, didn't I?
She is now standing at our prayer corner (* area in Orthodox homes, usually facing East, where we pray) and doing her version of the sign of the cross and doing a metanoia. Humbling, to say the least.
Enough about my kid. For now.
Stuck!
They tell you all the time that balance is important. We follow a line of parenting coined by Dr. Bob Sears as Attachment Parenting (like the weirdos on that movie _Away We Go_, but not quite as weird). I don't know that I would say I regret... Stuck!... following AP with F, but I know I'll do things differently with the next kid. Especially with sleep. Anyway, it's an incredibly time-consuming and touchy way of parenting. It includes baby wearing, nursing, and co-sleeping. In general, it means that you respond to your child's needs instead of trying to make them into mini-adults that can rationalize why you're ignoring their cries. Stuck! It has been really important to me to be home with my kid/s until they go to elementary school. So, that's the plan.
My concerns are that I'll forget things about printing. I'll forget how to make my favorite papers. I'm losing contact with other artists. We want to have a second baby close to F, and when that happens, I'm already embarrassed about announcing it. Babies just don't happen in my old circle. Even among the marrieds. It's true- if you want to take off in your career, even your low-paying artist career- a baby will probably ruin your chances for a while. BUT, it's temporary. My mantra has become, "This too shall pass, and I'll probably miss it when it's gone." Stuck! There's this thing that happens when you have a kid-- you lose like 90% of your friends. It's just hard for people without kids to accept the complications that go with being friends with people with kids. Fair enough, I guess.
I have to get F ready- we're going mall walking with a friend. No joke. I'm a suburban mom. I'll resume this during nap time. Back from mall walking. F is napping ON TOP OF ME because she hates to sleep. She hates it. I imagine her working night shift someplace as an adult, or getting all of her inspiration from the stars. I said I was going to quit talking about her, didn't I?
See? That's the thing. She has taken over every aspect of my life. I don't recognize myself anymore. For the most part, I wear what fits. I throw my long hair up into a bun because I don't want F to be swinging from my braids. And it's easy. It's no secret that sleep deprivation wreaks havoc on your metabolism. So, between that and being too exhausted to care, it doesn't look good for me. I'm not selling you on having children, am I?
Well, she's terrific if you needed to know.
Visual Artistry- I am worried about losing my community. All of their get togethers are at night, and in Tuscaloosa. I still nurse F one last time before M puts her to bed, so it's hard to get out. I don't know anyone in Birmingham, and even if I did, do they want a chubby mama hanging around? I wonder how much of it is in my head and how much of my mom-ness is reality. I feel like I expell dork now and I have the phrase from the SNL sketch stuck in my head, "because you're not a woman, you're a mom!"
When you can't print, paint. So, I've done a few paintings, and I'm going to keep it up. Eventually I'll have enough to do something with. I'm working on some Orthodox Children's books (which is the ultimate goal for St. Seraphim Press).
It's 5:30pm on a Saturday night. M just went to the store to get me some Twizzlers (such an enabler!).
Our plan is to watch reruns of The Office until bedtime.
Our plan is to watch reruns of The Office until bedtime.
I really do have an awesome life. Married the nicest man. Have the cutest kid. The rest will figure itself out.
1 comments:
I was just talking to Chris about losing myself. Where did I go? I completely get what you are talking about. For nearly 5 years now, I have been in that same boat. This year I was determined to find myself again. Of course it still includes, finding mothers, homeschoolers, and forcing myself to make time.
We practice a lot of the principles of Dr. Sears. It is hard work. Enjoyable MOST of the time. But it does get tiring having someone on you all of the time.
Good luck sister.
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